Is it that we really have so little self-esteem to stand up for ourselves, and say “No. I won’t take that.”?   Is it fear of hurting the person hurting us?  Is it that we just don’t want to make waves, and it’s become so much easier to just take it rather than make a stand against it?

I see it in my life.  Actions that hurt me.  Things said.  From simple being taken for granted, and someone else’s opinion and feelings count and mine don’t seem to, to flat out…much more obvious actions.  And I put up with them.  Over and over.

And not only do I put up with them…what’s worse…is I make excuses for them.  It’s like I see them…I recognize them…but I don’t want to admit them for what they really are.  “Oh, that’s not really what this person is like”.  (for the umpteenth time).  Why do I feel the need to do this?  To make them look better?  Or to make me look better for caring about them and not cutting loose?

And what does this say about me?  I used to be so strong and independent.  God…those people that don’t really know me….truly know me…still see me that way.  I don’t feel so strong and independent anymore.   That was always the quote used to describe me by so many.  “You’re the strong one”.  Ha.  Even my family uses that one.  If only they knew.  The girl that is sometimes just feeling like she is on her last tenuous hold to reality sometimes.

I miss the girl I used to be.  I feel her in there sometimes…I see glimpses of her once in a while…and I wonder where she is hiding.

I’ve decided I needed this. A personal space to talk about whatever. Where it wasn’t that I was feeling I needed to be doing my tech writing…or feeling like I had to worry if it measured up to what people might be expecting.

A place for me. I think I need to find me again.